I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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