I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
