the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
