Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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