i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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