Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
