So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
