I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
