Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
