and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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