we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
