hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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