I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
