I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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