I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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