Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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