I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
