just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
