I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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