her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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