fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
