got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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