happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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