I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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