I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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