WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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