It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
