He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i came on her dog
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
