my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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