gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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