I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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