I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
