Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
