Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
