it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
