I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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