Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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