Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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