Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
