theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
