sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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