Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
