I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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