I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize