I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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