took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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