Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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