my vag is so smooth its legendary
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
