Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
