Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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