Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
