i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
handjob tips. give me some.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Floor bacon is actually really good
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
