No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
