im drinking this country out of the recession.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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