i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize