There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize