I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
