It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
