her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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