Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
