turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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