I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
