Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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