oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
