tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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