do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
