dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
