everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
