there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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