lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize